Not me and not now, Lord!

Most of you know that I clean for a living and my cleaning time allows me to think and pray. Thinking can also be my downfall. About 6 months before my brother died, I began to have visions of me speaking to a crowd of people about my faith. These visions only occurred at my Friday morning cleaning job. Oddly enough, this would have the cleaning job that I had just finished up with and then went to find my brother.
I would always try to think of something else when I got these visions because I hated the thought of speaking, especially about my faith. I believed my faith wasn't strong enough. Little did I know what the Lord was preparing me for. When the time came to discuss funeral plans, I was reminded of these visions. The Lord kept saying this was the time He was preparing me for through those visions. Thus my title of this post- Not me and not now, Lord! Why would You ask me to do this in my darkest hour? Isn't it bad enough that I witnessed the most horrific thing in my life and now You want me to witness for You? As I wrestled with all this, I finally came to the conclusion that if He was asking me to do this, then He would give me the grace to stand and not falter.
For those of you who were not at the funeral, I did get up and speak. But it wasn't a eulogy where I talked about all the great things about my brother or memories of him or the things I would miss. It was a "speech" about chains. I placed heavy chains around my neck and labeled some of the chains in my life such as sin, depression, fear of death and shame. I also shared what the Lord had to say in response to each of my "chains." There was also a lock on the chains to represent that Satan loves when we have chains. But the best part is that I also had a key to unlock the chains. The "key" represents Christ, for He is the one who sets us free from our chains. Then I took the chains off and placed them at the foot of the cross. Thus explaining that when we lay our chains at the foot of the cross, we find freedom.
I still look back at that day and stand amazed that I was able to do this, for I know it was Jesus himself who was holding me up, securing my knees from buckling, giving me unwavering speech. It was afterward that I cried. I may never know whose heart was touched that day, but I do believe that someone's heart was touched or I wouldn't have been asked to do it. All I know is that I obeyed the call and have no regrets for doing so.