Dark Days

I made the decision to return to work the day after my brother's funeral. Mom opted to take the rest of the week off, which made me feel guilty for not being there for her. I didn't want to sit around and cry, although I'm sure that would have been refreshing to just let the tears flow. Besides, what's a few tears mixed in with the bucket of cleaning water? And I did cry (LOTS) while I cleaned.
The days, weeks, and months that followed were very dark. I have a history of panic and depression(I'll discuss in a later post)so, of course, Satan had a "hay day" with that. Not only was I grieving, but I was very anxious, waiting for the next "bad thing" to happen. I anticipated getting that phone call that someone was in an accident or something happened to my children or my husband. Or maybe I was next. Living in worry or fear is no way to live. It's not the way Jesus told us to live. Didn't He say that He came so that we may have life and have it abundantly? Not fear abundantly or worry abundantly or panic abundantly, but LIFE abundantly.
I have a dear friend who loved me enough to question me...."Jenn, do you ever feel like you can't go on? Like you would want to end your life? " The answer was no. However, the other part was "I don't want to go on like this" and "I don't want to live like this." So it's not that I didn't want to live anymore, it was that I didn't want to live in the current state that I was in. But the enemy was working hard. So press on I did.