My mom and some aunts and cousins had a weekend trip to the beach planned the first weekend in November that year which I had originally decided not to go on. The week before, one of my aunts encouraged me to go along. I decided that it would be good to get away.
So we headed to the beach and it was wonderful to just be away, away from all the reminders. We all went to the beach one evening and took some of my brother's ashes along. I remember the bitter cold ocean water on my legs(it was November, remember) as I scattered the ashes and I told God how angry I was that this happened. Was I angry at Him? Ashamedly, yes. He did this, He allowed this to happen, He made a huge mistake. By doing this, I dismissed His sovereignty, His authority and His goodness. Thankfully, God is forgiving.
I remember the drive home. It was awful. Trying to hide the tears from mom, I sat and thought that now I'm going back to reality. Back to the grief, the panic, the worry.
It really was a great weekend. I laughed so hard sometimes. It was good to know that I can smile and laugh again. But that came with a guilty feeling too. I love my family so much and we have always been close knit so being with them was very refreshing and very healing.
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