4 minutes and 32 seconds

Ok, so yesterday I talked about a song that a friend shared with me. This song has just impacted me so much that I am feeling the need to share it. I must have listened to it 2 dozen times by now. It is my prayer that you would listen to it as well.
Yesterday I listened to the passage out of Mark 10:46-52 where a blind man, named Bartimaeus was asking Jesus to have mercy on him. He was brought to Jesus and asked the blind man, "What do you want me to do for you?" My first thought was, "Hello, he's blind. He wants to see!" Jesus already knew he was blind, why did he have to ask that question? The blind man said, "Rabbi, I want to see." Jesus said, "Go, your faith has healed you." Does Jesus still ask us that question today? "What do you want me to do for you?" I believe he does. He wants to know that we have the faith that he will heal us, do what we ask of him.
So this is my challenge to you(and to me). Listen to this song. The words are included. What does your need look like today? Perhaps you are in a "desert" place. By the way, the song is called Desert Song. Maybe you're so far deep in a pit that you feel the flames are consuming you. Whatever your struggle or burden, tell Him. Give it a name. Then surrender it to Him. Declare to Him that He is your victory and you know that He's there in the midst of whatever it is. Tell Satan that no weapon he has formed against you will remain; no dart he hurls at you will stick to you. Maybe everything is great for you right now, but I doubt it since we are still living under the curse, in a fallen world or as a sister put it so well last night-"we're still on this side of heaven. "
Get down on your knees, cry, yell, lift your hands to heaven(that might find some of you in an uncomfortable place) Can you imagine what this could look like? I have 104 Facebook "friends" who may or may not be following this blog. And then about another dozen who are not on Facebook who I've invited to journey with me. That could potentially mean 116 people on their knees, 232 hands lifted high to the Almighty singing praises to Him and declaring that whatever is going on in their lives that He is still God and He is still on His throne. Do you have 4 minutes and 32 seconds for God today? Come on, the Nike slogan says it best - "Just Do It!!"

True story- As I was ready to hit "publish post" my computer crashed. If that is not opposition I don't know what is. I was on the old computer since I'm more comfortable with it and it is known for crashing. Thankfully, I didn't lose anything I typed.

Just click on the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WYK6TxWX7s. If that for some reason doesn't work(another opposition) go to www.youtube.com. Type Desert Song Hillsong lyrics in the box at the top and click on the first option of the video.

Spring Cleaning

Some of you may look at that title and groan. Spring cleaning is not fun. It requires potent cleaners, a scouring pad, some elbow grease and time. Yesterday was not a good day. It was supposed to be. One of my cleaning clients canceled on me so I was looking forward to getting some much needed things done around my house. Instead, I felt very tormented by the Enemy. I started thinking about how when my trip rolls around next month that I want to have all the laundry done(my husband doesn't do laundry, the last thing he put into my washer was his horse blanket! thanks honey for all that horse hair in my sink :-) Will Greg get the kids to school on time, will he remember to pick them up, what if he goes on a horse ride and something "happens", what if, what if, what if. It just didn't end. I knew I would be attacked in regards to leaving my family for 5 days but I didn't think it would happen this soon. I thought maybe the week or days before departing. So yesterday was spent worrying about all the things that could go wrong.
This morning I headed off to my cleaning job. As I started cleaning the kitchen counters, I noticed that there were marks that didn't come off as I cleaned them. The same with the floors and shower walls. It was years of dirt getting adhered to each surface. They were there the last time I cleaned there and the time before that, so why were they so prominent today? So I sprayed the counters with a cleaner and let it "soak" for a little while. I used a brush to try to get the dirt off, and it worked a little but some "stains" still remained. I sprayed the floor as well and let that soak too and the water was filthy until I was done. Then in a quiet, very audible voice, I heard the Lord speak. I am not one to claim to hear Him speak to me very often. Perhaps it's the busyness of the daily routines that block out His voice. What I heard Him say was this-"There is dirt in your life, dirt that has been accumulating over years and years and we (He and I) are going to clean it. The dirt (i.e. the doubts, the fears, the worries) are in need of a deep cleaning. And we are going to start over, start at the beginning, start fresh." He said that we are going back to the beginning starting with one of the fundamentals of the Christian faith, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16) We've heard it over and over again. And I've heard that we sometimes forget about the next verse. "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. "(Obviously John 3:17) As God spoke to me, I realized that it was not a condemning voice, not "You've managed to let this filth accumulate in your life and now I have to clean up this mess!" It was a loving voice, no condemnation.
I believe all the doubts, worries and fears that I've allowed Satan to consume my mind with are all because of lies I've allowed him to let me believe. Years of believing the lies have allowed the "filth" to accumulate. The lies have looked like the truth. Just like when we give the counter a quick wipe down ground in dirt still remains. It looks clean so it must be. We read our 10 minute "Daily Bread" and convince ourselves we've done our "duty" for the day, when in reality we need a good "cleansing". In reality, we need a good power washing.
A friend emailed me this morning and attached a song link. I've heard the song a few times before but watched the video with the lyrics this time and I just let the tears flow because it was so relevant with what happened at this morning's cleaning job. Some of the lyrics..."No weapon formed against me shall remain" ...the weapons of doubt, worry and fear. They are not going to remain, God is going to "clean" them. "This is my prayer in the battle, when triumph is still on it's way"....victory over the "filth" is not here YET, but it's on the way! "All of my life, in every season, YOU ARE STILL GOD, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship." I have forgotten, that no matter what season of life I am living that I ALWAYS have a reason to sing, to worship and to be thankful, even during spring cleaning, the cleaning of my heart. Thank you, Lord, for speaking to my heart today. Would you pray, in agreement, to allow God's Word to "penetrate" like a powerful cleanser and let His truth "soak" into my heart and mind(and yours) so that it doesn't just look clean but that it truly is?

The Shawl

I have just a few close friends and I had one very special friend knit a shawl for me. It's this very pretty shawl with fall colors. I know she spent many hours on it and as much as I hold it dear to my heart, it's the words that she wrote for me when she gave it to me that mean the most.

Wrap this shawl around you
Imagine it's a hug
It's filled with lot of prayers
Sent to God above.

As I knitted each and every row
I said a prayer for you
And as the shawl grew and grew
I added blessings too.

I prayed that God would hold you
In a very special way
As you seek to forget the memories
That plague you everyday.

(I can barely see through the tears as I type this)

May God bless you with His strength
Send to you His peace
As His wisdom and His guidance
You do faithfully seek.

So whenever you feel sad
Or just need a little lift
My love and prayers are in this shawl
And it's for you, a special gift.

I will always keep this shawl and the note that came with it. This friend loved me so much to create this beautiful shawl and add a very special note. I love you Angie!

What is wrong me?

The first month after my brother's death I had lost 10 pounds. I kind of just chalked it up to the grief. It had crossed my mind several times that maybe I was losing weight because there was something physically wrong with me. They say sudden weight loss can be a sign of a problem.
The beginning of December I had gone to my family doctor to discuss anxiety medication. She gave me 2 kinds. One was to take daily to even out certain hormone levels and the other one was if I was feeling anxious I could take it for immediate relief. So one night I started the first one and about 1/2 hour later I felt like something was "caught" in my throat. I thought maybe the pill hadn't gone the whole was down my throat and was stuck. The feeling persisted for weeks and left me feeling very anxious. So anxious that I went back to the doctor. She sent me to a specialist who put a tube down my throat to do some "searching." It was very uncomfortable and gagging. He didn't see anything so he sent me to the hospital several weeks later. (Sorry, mom. I never told you about this. You guessed it- I didn't want to worry my parents). At the hospital, I had to drink this chalky, white solution while they took "live" xrays of my throat, esophagas and stomach to see if they saw anything obstructing. Nothing. Now I truly thought I was crazy. Something certainly felt wrong. This doctor wanted to send me to a gastroenterologist. I had had enough. I'll just live with it. I didn't have time for these appointments or the building medical expenses. I still have this feeling to this day. Some days it's worse than others. I have come to believe that this feeling in my throat is the result of anxiety. Anxiety doesn't just affect us emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It also affects us physically. I've talked to some people who have had that "closed throat" feeling and agree that it's the result of anxiety. Why doesn't the Lord just bring peace to my mind and my heart?

The Need for Anointing

The worry and fear and panic continued and I really felt like I needed to be anointed. If I publicly confessed my struggles and had people praying, perhaps, just perhaps God would heal my spirit. But how do you confess all these things to your church? Christians aren't supposed to fear and worry and be anxious. Confessing my fears made me feel vulnerable.
It was December and my pastor called and said that he was having a special service the end of the year and he was inviting several people from our congregation to share a testimony on God's faithfulness. God, indeed, has been faithful on this grief journey. I told my pastor that I would think about it and let him know. I felt this invitation had opened the door for an anointing. I told my pastor that I would give testimony but also about this need. The end of December I did give testimony and was also anointed. My pastor reminded us all during the service that anointing isn't a "magical potion" that would heal instantly. I'm not sure how he would define anointing, but I would define it as covering one with the Holy Spirit to freely work in a person's life to heal them spiritually, physically or mentally. I felt like weight had been lifted from my shoulders that day. Maybe it was just the confession that "Hey, I'm really struggling here and I need the prayers of my church family." Pray they did!

The Beach

My mom and some aunts and cousins had a weekend trip to the beach planned the first weekend in November that year which I had originally decided not to go on. The week before, one of my aunts encouraged me to go along. I decided that it would be good to get away.
So we headed to the beach and it was wonderful to just be away, away from all the reminders. We all went to the beach one evening and took some of my brother's ashes along. I remember the bitter cold ocean water on my legs(it was November, remember) as I scattered the ashes and I told God how angry I was that this happened. Was I angry at Him? Ashamedly, yes. He did this, He allowed this to happen, He made a huge mistake. By doing this, I dismissed His sovereignty, His authority and His goodness. Thankfully, God is forgiving.
I remember the drive home. It was awful. Trying to hide the tears from mom, I sat and thought that now I'm going back to reality. Back to the grief, the panic, the worry.
It really was a great weekend. I laughed so hard sometimes. It was good to know that I can smile and laugh again. But that came with a guilty feeling too. I love my family so much and we have always been close knit so being with them was very refreshing and very healing.

Dark Days

I made the decision to return to work the day after my brother's funeral. Mom opted to take the rest of the week off, which made me feel guilty for not being there for her. I didn't want to sit around and cry, although I'm sure that would have been refreshing to just let the tears flow. Besides, what's a few tears mixed in with the bucket of cleaning water? And I did cry (LOTS) while I cleaned.
The days, weeks, and months that followed were very dark. I have a history of panic and depression(I'll discuss in a later post)so, of course, Satan had a "hay day" with that. Not only was I grieving, but I was very anxious, waiting for the next "bad thing" to happen. I anticipated getting that phone call that someone was in an accident or something happened to my children or my husband. Or maybe I was next. Living in worry or fear is no way to live. It's not the way Jesus told us to live. Didn't He say that He came so that we may have life and have it abundantly? Not fear abundantly or worry abundantly or panic abundantly, but LIFE abundantly.
I have a dear friend who loved me enough to question me...."Jenn, do you ever feel like you can't go on? Like you would want to end your life? " The answer was no. However, the other part was "I don't want to go on like this" and "I don't want to live like this." So it's not that I didn't want to live anymore, it was that I didn't want to live in the current state that I was in. But the enemy was working hard. So press on I did.

Not me and not now, Lord!

Most of you know that I clean for a living and my cleaning time allows me to think and pray. Thinking can also be my downfall. About 6 months before my brother died, I began to have visions of me speaking to a crowd of people about my faith. These visions only occurred at my Friday morning cleaning job. Oddly enough, this would have the cleaning job that I had just finished up with and then went to find my brother.
I would always try to think of something else when I got these visions because I hated the thought of speaking, especially about my faith. I believed my faith wasn't strong enough. Little did I know what the Lord was preparing me for. When the time came to discuss funeral plans, I was reminded of these visions. The Lord kept saying this was the time He was preparing me for through those visions. Thus my title of this post- Not me and not now, Lord! Why would You ask me to do this in my darkest hour? Isn't it bad enough that I witnessed the most horrific thing in my life and now You want me to witness for You? As I wrestled with all this, I finally came to the conclusion that if He was asking me to do this, then He would give me the grace to stand and not falter.
For those of you who were not at the funeral, I did get up and speak. But it wasn't a eulogy where I talked about all the great things about my brother or memories of him or the things I would miss. It was a "speech" about chains. I placed heavy chains around my neck and labeled some of the chains in my life such as sin, depression, fear of death and shame. I also shared what the Lord had to say in response to each of my "chains." There was also a lock on the chains to represent that Satan loves when we have chains. But the best part is that I also had a key to unlock the chains. The "key" represents Christ, for He is the one who sets us free from our chains. Then I took the chains off and placed them at the foot of the cross. Thus explaining that when we lay our chains at the foot of the cross, we find freedom.
I still look back at that day and stand amazed that I was able to do this, for I know it was Jesus himself who was holding me up, securing my knees from buckling, giving me unwavering speech. It was afterward that I cried. I may never know whose heart was touched that day, but I do believe that someone's heart was touched or I wouldn't have been asked to do it. All I know is that I obeyed the call and have no regrets for doing so.