These posts are becoming father apart than I would like but nevertheless, here I am. I wanted to share an email that I received from my sister the day before I left for my Captivating Retreat. It is long, but boy is it ever good. It warmed my heart, made me cry and gave me hope and peace. It wasn't until after my trip that this prayer came to mean even more to me and it was so prophetic(which you will see in the next post).
Jenn,
Well the time has come. You have been chosen by God to embark on this journey with Christ. You have a Divine appointment for freedom from excessive reasoning, fear, inner turmoil and worry. He is opening a new door of breakthrough for you that will bring new hope and vision. He is releasing you into a new season where hopelessness and fear has to flee! He will restore the little girl within you where you will establish yourself into a position of faith to receive a double portion of His grace. The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on you, to bestow on you a crown of beauty, the oil of gladness and a garment of praise. You will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor. You will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; you will renew the ruined places that have been devastated. Instead of shame you will receive a double portion and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance; and so you will inherit a double portion, and EVERLASTING JOY will be yours(paraphrased from Isaiah 61)
Rejoice Jenn, that there has been an awakening in your spirit and that there is a hunger and a thirst in your heart. Be glad that God smiled upon you to give you a desire to come to Him. He is standing with you in truth and love, in grace and mercy and peace. You have been put in a position of highest privilege where you have gained access by faith into this grace in which you now stand. Rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. He loves you so dearly and is so pleased with your commitment to Him. You are walking in such a path of righteousness and for that He rejoices over you with such gladness and delight. He has already released freedom and deliverance over you and wants to trust that, yes, you are worthy of everything He has to offer you. Even when we doubt...which we all do from time to time. We are still worthy. He is calling you to reach for the extraordinary life that He has promised for you. May it radically change what you expect from Him and what you experience every day by His power. (and that was just the opening- here comes the prayer)
Most Glorious Father, I acknowledge your authority and sovereignty. I come to You with great praise and exaltation. My heart rejoices as I meditate on what You are going to accomplish in my dear sister. For You are a mighty and gracious God. I pray that You and she will have such an encounter this weekend. I pray that she go with the expectation that she will meet You there. May she go with no perceived idea of what that might be or what that may look like, but just that there will be a Great encounter. Father, I pray that she will have plenty of quiet time to bask in the sweetness of Your presence, not to be distracted by any agendas. May You draw her into the depths of where you are calling her. Like a river swiftly flowing. May she trust You enough to take her feet completely off the bottom of the river bed and allow the current to freely take her into the flow of freedom. May there be a determination to enter into a greater and deeper revelation of the Word and manifestations of the Holy Spirit. May she go forth and let You, Oh Lord, give her the full anointing for her life. May she cry out to You from the depths of her soul. May every tear shed in that quiet time/place be a cleansing...a washing of her past season and every tear be a testimony of Your glory. May she not have to cry very long to see that the mountains are being moved, and the Angel of deliverance will be there....where she will see a turnaround, a great exchange for every time the enemy has tried to rob her faith, steal her vineyard, steal her goods or abort her destiny...Thank You, Lord that You miraculously use it for good. You have already given her victory over all opposition. May her faith become activated in the season in which she is in and may she have full vision of Your ability. May You sing over barren places and release breakthrough and enlargement. Release a new hope, a fresh well. I pray that she may have a time of worship that has been like no other. May she sing with joy over her circumstances and may You be blessed by this offering to You. May You fill her to capacity with Your living and active Word and the powers of Your Holy Spirit. Father, I am entrusting my sister to You fully. Bless her beyond measure. Thank You that our freedom comes through the crucified and resurrected Jesus Christ, in whose name I pray. Amen.
Can I get a hearty AMEN!!! I was so blessed by this powerful prayer. I printed it out and took it with me. She also included about a dozen scripture passages which I wanted to have along so i could read those at some point. God heard and answered her prayer for me. I'm fighting a pretty bad headcold and can't breathe out of my nose and I'm feeling wiped out so I am signing off for now. I will be back soon. :-)
Friday, July 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
The Thief
Well, it seems like I failed in my attempts to keep posting about my Captivating Retreat over 1 1/2 months ago. You know the saying "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." This time it seems to be the reverse "my flesh is willing, but my spirit is weak." "Something" has been holding me back in sharing publicly what the Lord did for me that weekend in the heart of the beautiful Rocky Mountains. It has been a spiritual battle, no doubt. I'm hoping this post is an awakening in my spirit to fan the flames again.
My mom called me last Thursday and told me that she was the victim of identity theft. Someone had apparently made a credit card in her name and used it in 2 different states within 50 minutes of each purchase. The 3rd attempt to use the card was declined, thankfully. She has a limit on this debit card. Again, thankfully. As I processed this I became infuriated. How dare this person do this- and do it, especially, to my mom? Get a job, earn your own money(the honest, old fashioned way), scrub toilets if you must like I do for a living, get a life! I headed off to my evening job and the anger just festered. And then I was reminded....isn't this what Satan does when he attacks us? Doesn't he attack us at the core of our identity when he comes with temptations or doubts? Doesn't he try to steal or negate who we are in Christ? Doesn't he just absolutely assault our hearts and minds? And doesn't he do it aggressively and endlessly sometimes? Didn't he attack Jesus' identity in the desert..."IF you are the Son of God...." He's attacking who Jesus is- You? the Son of God? the son born of an illegitimate marriage? He takes Jesus high on the mountain and shows Him all the kingdoms of the world and says "All this I will give you if you bow down and worship me." How does Jesus respond? "Away from me, Satan!" Then it says that "the angels came and attended him." These attacks from Satan are brutal, even for the Son of God. It was exhausting; He needed the angels. This is why I picture angels are fierce warriors dressed in knight's armor; not delicate figures dressed in white with wings playing harps. It is war. We need to be prepared for battle. We need to be protected from head to toe.
So, I'm trusting that the bank will get this squared away for my mom. How did my evening go as the anger persisted? I found myself praying for this individual who did this act. I didn't like it, but I did it anyway. "Love your enemies."
Are we prepared for the next battle that Satan will launch at us? " The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy." Thank you, Jesus, for being our strong and mighty Warrior!!
My mom called me last Thursday and told me that she was the victim of identity theft. Someone had apparently made a credit card in her name and used it in 2 different states within 50 minutes of each purchase. The 3rd attempt to use the card was declined, thankfully. She has a limit on this debit card. Again, thankfully. As I processed this I became infuriated. How dare this person do this- and do it, especially, to my mom? Get a job, earn your own money(the honest, old fashioned way), scrub toilets if you must like I do for a living, get a life! I headed off to my evening job and the anger just festered. And then I was reminded....isn't this what Satan does when he attacks us? Doesn't he attack us at the core of our identity when he comes with temptations or doubts? Doesn't he try to steal or negate who we are in Christ? Doesn't he just absolutely assault our hearts and minds? And doesn't he do it aggressively and endlessly sometimes? Didn't he attack Jesus' identity in the desert..."IF you are the Son of God...." He's attacking who Jesus is- You? the Son of God? the son born of an illegitimate marriage? He takes Jesus high on the mountain and shows Him all the kingdoms of the world and says "All this I will give you if you bow down and worship me." How does Jesus respond? "Away from me, Satan!" Then it says that "the angels came and attended him." These attacks from Satan are brutal, even for the Son of God. It was exhausting; He needed the angels. This is why I picture angels are fierce warriors dressed in knight's armor; not delicate figures dressed in white with wings playing harps. It is war. We need to be prepared for battle. We need to be protected from head to toe.
So, I'm trusting that the bank will get this squared away for my mom. How did my evening go as the anger persisted? I found myself praying for this individual who did this act. I didn't like it, but I did it anyway. "Love your enemies."
Are we prepared for the next battle that Satan will launch at us? " The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy." Thank you, Jesus, for being our strong and mighty Warrior!!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
First Captivating Session
Well, I didn't get a chance to post yesterday but I'm here now. When I walked into the auditorium where we had our sessions, there was a packet on every chair. Under every chair was a pack of tissues. I suppose I should have known at that point that I was in trouble! If you have not read the Captivating book yet, I highly recommend it. I believe it is a must read for every woman. I'll just give you some of the points they discussed in the first session.
1. I have been Chosen. God has chosen ME to be His child, His beloved.
2. Evil will hunt me. The Enemy is on the prowl. He came to "seek, kill and destroy." Do we(I)
live like it? Are we on guard for when Satan comes around to attack us?
3. I cannot go alone. That's what the Enemy would like us to believe- that we are all alone, no one
else can help us in our struggles. We try to "fix" ourselves. I would suggest if we had what it takes to fix ourselves that we would have already done it by now. We do not. We need others along the way to speak into our lives, to pray for us, to encourage us and to keep us accountable.
One thought I wrote down was "We want to write our own story because we don't trust God with the one He's writing for us. Do I hold out on God because I believe He's holding out on me?"
We had these silent times called "Covenants of Silence." It was a designated time of silence to reflect on a question they asked of us. It truly was amazing to see 400 women dispersing from the auditorium in absolute silence(perhaps a miracle :-). 400 women? Silent? Beautiful!! Our one covenant of silence was to ponder the question- What things have taken me away from my first love?(God) As I reflected, I came up with this list:
Bitterness
Anger
Unforgiveness
Control
Hopelessness
Despair
Fear
Anxiety
Worry
Depression
Then comes the why? Why do I feel all these things? They certainly don't bring life, the life that God promises. Don't I really trust God? He is so powerful and so good, but is He trustworthy? Do I really believe everything in His word from the beginning of creation in Genesis to the closing lines of Revelation or do I pick and choose what I feel is true? (That's a question I've reflected on for the past year.) I didn't get an answer to these questions during that time of silence. I did Saturday evening! Gotta keep you coming back!
1. I have been Chosen. God has chosen ME to be His child, His beloved.
2. Evil will hunt me. The Enemy is on the prowl. He came to "seek, kill and destroy." Do we(I)
live like it? Are we on guard for when Satan comes around to attack us?
3. I cannot go alone. That's what the Enemy would like us to believe- that we are all alone, no one
else can help us in our struggles. We try to "fix" ourselves. I would suggest if we had what it takes to fix ourselves that we would have already done it by now. We do not. We need others along the way to speak into our lives, to pray for us, to encourage us and to keep us accountable.
One thought I wrote down was "We want to write our own story because we don't trust God with the one He's writing for us. Do I hold out on God because I believe He's holding out on me?"
We had these silent times called "Covenants of Silence." It was a designated time of silence to reflect on a question they asked of us. It truly was amazing to see 400 women dispersing from the auditorium in absolute silence(perhaps a miracle :-). 400 women? Silent? Beautiful!! Our one covenant of silence was to ponder the question- What things have taken me away from my first love?(God) As I reflected, I came up with this list:
Bitterness
Anger
Unforgiveness
Control
Hopelessness
Despair
Fear
Anxiety
Worry
Depression
Then comes the why? Why do I feel all these things? They certainly don't bring life, the life that God promises. Don't I really trust God? He is so powerful and so good, but is He trustworthy? Do I really believe everything in His word from the beginning of creation in Genesis to the closing lines of Revelation or do I pick and choose what I feel is true? (That's a question I've reflected on for the past year.) I didn't get an answer to these questions during that time of silence. I did Saturday evening! Gotta keep you coming back!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Home Again!!
Hello all!
Well, I've been home for a week now and so I thought I'm due for a new post to let you all know how my trip went. Thank you for your patience and your many prayers! I didn't get much sleep on my retreat and with the time difference it took me awhile to feel rested. Where do I start? I think I'll just tell you the general details of the trip and then journey into the intimate moments I had with God over the course of my weekend. There was a lot to process and that is what I spent a lot of last week doing.
When Greg and I got to the Harrisburg Airport last Thursday morning, we discovered(much to my dismay) that my flight had been canceled due to a mechanical problem. I'm glad that they discovered the problem before it was in flight, but the nonetheless not really what I wanted to hear. I did get another flight 2 hours later but it was going to leave me with 1/2 hour to get off the plane, get my luggage and get to my shuttle. I called the number I had for the shuttle when I got to Chicago and was relieved to hear that although they stated 1:15 SHARP as our meeting time for the shuttle it was in reality 2pm so that was good news. I did make it in plenty of time.
Soon after departing from Denver to the ranch it began snowing and didn't stop until sometime late Friday night because we woke up Saturday morning to beautiful, sunny skies and you could see for miles. The snow capped Rocky Mountains were just gorgeous and no picture I took could really capture their beauty. I'll get those pictures on here as soon as Greg shows me how!
Four of the other girls from my group(the Daily Audio Bible) journeyed off on a mountain horse ride Saturday afternoon during our free time. It wasn't as scary as the horse ride that Greg and I went on 3 years ago when we went to Colorado, but it was a sloppy, muddy mess. Glad that my horse, Sox was very sure footed!
We were very well fed the entire weekend- and i didn't have to buy any of the food, tote it in from the car, put it away, prepare it or clean up!!! I think I ate more food that weekend than in a month!!
On the way home I was delayed in Cleveland for 2 1/2 hours! Bummer! I was so excited to get home to see my family. I couldn't help but cry when I saw them. God had answered my prayers for their safety while I was gone and gave me safe travels as well, although I had some unexpected bumps along the way. I think I'll leave it at this for now. I hope to post each day to share what happened each session and what the Lord showed me through each one. Like I said before, it was a lot to process- what is truth for my life now and in the future. Thanks again for all your prayers and notes of encouragement! They were a great source of comfort and love for me!
Well, I've been home for a week now and so I thought I'm due for a new post to let you all know how my trip went. Thank you for your patience and your many prayers! I didn't get much sleep on my retreat and with the time difference it took me awhile to feel rested. Where do I start? I think I'll just tell you the general details of the trip and then journey into the intimate moments I had with God over the course of my weekend. There was a lot to process and that is what I spent a lot of last week doing.
When Greg and I got to the Harrisburg Airport last Thursday morning, we discovered(much to my dismay) that my flight had been canceled due to a mechanical problem. I'm glad that they discovered the problem before it was in flight, but the nonetheless not really what I wanted to hear. I did get another flight 2 hours later but it was going to leave me with 1/2 hour to get off the plane, get my luggage and get to my shuttle. I called the number I had for the shuttle when I got to Chicago and was relieved to hear that although they stated 1:15 SHARP as our meeting time for the shuttle it was in reality 2pm so that was good news. I did make it in plenty of time.
Soon after departing from Denver to the ranch it began snowing and didn't stop until sometime late Friday night because we woke up Saturday morning to beautiful, sunny skies and you could see for miles. The snow capped Rocky Mountains were just gorgeous and no picture I took could really capture their beauty. I'll get those pictures on here as soon as Greg shows me how!
Four of the other girls from my group(the Daily Audio Bible) journeyed off on a mountain horse ride Saturday afternoon during our free time. It wasn't as scary as the horse ride that Greg and I went on 3 years ago when we went to Colorado, but it was a sloppy, muddy mess. Glad that my horse, Sox was very sure footed!
We were very well fed the entire weekend- and i didn't have to buy any of the food, tote it in from the car, put it away, prepare it or clean up!!! I think I ate more food that weekend than in a month!!
On the way home I was delayed in Cleveland for 2 1/2 hours! Bummer! I was so excited to get home to see my family. I couldn't help but cry when I saw them. God had answered my prayers for their safety while I was gone and gave me safe travels as well, although I had some unexpected bumps along the way. I think I'll leave it at this for now. I hope to post each day to share what happened each session and what the Lord showed me through each one. Like I said before, it was a lot to process- what is truth for my life now and in the future. Thanks again for all your prayers and notes of encouragement! They were a great source of comfort and love for me!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
God is Faithful!!!
So it's now 5 days until I leave for Colorado. I am nervous and excited all wrapped up in one! Greg left yesterday for the High Point furniture market in N. C. until Tuesday evening and the boys left for a weekend trip to the mountains with my dad. Earlier this week I was feeling like them leaving could cause me some anxiety just on top of knowing that I'll be leaving next week. I had shared these anxieties with my cleaning buddy Monday evening and she prayed for me. The story that follows is very neat and ALL God. This cleaning buddy emailed me yesterday via Facebook and commented that I hadn't returned her emails and wanted to make sure I was doing ok. I called her and told her that I never got any emails. She asked me if I had any recent headaches(since I have been experiencing many lately) or any heavy anxieties. I said that I had not. She proceeded to tell me that she had emailed her small group of ladies(from our church) to share my anxieties and asked them to pray for me. Then she had emailed me to make sure this was ok. Since I never got her emails, she thought I was upset with her for sharing with them. I told her that I didn't mind at all and went to my cleaning job. As I was cleaning, I realized that when Greg left yesterday morning I was not feeling overwhelmed emotionally. Then when I dropped the boys off at my parents house I wasn't feeling bad either. Then the light bulb moment- I had been covered in prayer and did not even know it and the prayers had been answered. I did not have any anxiety yesterday. Even while cleaning last night I was not fearful of being alone there. My Friday night job is the job that my brother helped out with occasionally and Greg has been so faithful in helping me clean there since my brother's death. It's a large building with an elevator and the smallest noise will make me question if someone else is there. In the months after my brother's death it was most difficult because I kept imagining that he was going to come walking around a corner asking for his next cleaning task.
As far as the ladies praying goes- I don't have to ask if they prayed for me, I KNOW they did. You see sometimes when you know people are praying for us(at least for me anyway) we try to convince ourselves that we are feeling their prayers even if we don't. We know that so and so is praying for healing or for peace and that doesn't happen and then we want to know why? Is God not answering their prayers and that is why we don't feel healed or peaceful? Hope that makes sense. It was just neat to put it all together after the fact that I WAS very peaceful yesterday and now I know why- the prayers of faithful women from my church who love me enough to take time out of their busy schedules to lift me up to the Throne of Grace. I'm trusting that the peace I felt yesterday will be with me this next week as I prepare for my trip.
As far as the ladies praying goes- I don't have to ask if they prayed for me, I KNOW they did. You see sometimes when you know people are praying for us(at least for me anyway) we try to convince ourselves that we are feeling their prayers even if we don't. We know that so and so is praying for healing or for peace and that doesn't happen and then we want to know why? Is God not answering their prayers and that is why we don't feel healed or peaceful? Hope that makes sense. It was just neat to put it all together after the fact that I WAS very peaceful yesterday and now I know why- the prayers of faithful women from my church who love me enough to take time out of their busy schedules to lift me up to the Throne of Grace. I'm trusting that the peace I felt yesterday will be with me this next week as I prepare for my trip.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
4 minutes and 32 seconds
Ok, so yesterday I talked about a song that a friend shared with me. This song has just impacted me so much that I am feeling the need to share it. I must have listened to it 2 dozen times by now. It is my prayer that you would listen to it as well.
Yesterday I listened to the passage out of Mark 10:46-52 where a blind man, named Bartimaeus was asking Jesus to have mercy on him. He was brought to Jesus and asked the blind man, "What do you want me to do for you?" My first thought was, "Hello, he's blind. He wants to see!" Jesus already knew he was blind, why did he have to ask that question? The blind man said, "Rabbi, I want to see." Jesus said, "Go, your faith has healed you." Does Jesus still ask us that question today? "What do you want me to do for you?" I believe he does. He wants to know that we have the faith that he will heal us, do what we ask of him.
So this is my challenge to you(and to me). Listen to this song. The words are included. What does your need look like today? Perhaps you are in a "desert" place. By the way, the song is called Desert Song. Maybe you're so far deep in a pit that you feel the flames are consuming you. Whatever your struggle or burden, tell Him. Give it a name. Then surrender it to Him. Declare to Him that He is your victory and you know that He's there in the midst of whatever it is. Tell Satan that no weapon he has formed against you will remain; no dart he hurls at you will stick to you. Maybe everything is great for you right now, but I doubt it since we are still living under the curse, in a fallen world or as a sister put it so well last night-"we're still on this side of heaven. "
Get down on your knees, cry, yell, lift your hands to heaven(that might find some of you in an uncomfortable place) Can you imagine what this could look like? I have 104 Facebook "friends" who may or may not be following this blog. And then about another dozen who are not on Facebook who I've invited to journey with me. That could potentially mean 116 people on their knees, 232 hands lifted high to the Almighty singing praises to Him and declaring that whatever is going on in their lives that He is still God and He is still on His throne. Do you have 4 minutes and 32 seconds for God today? Come on, the Nike slogan says it best - "Just Do It!!"
True story- As I was ready to hit "publish post" my computer crashed. If that is not opposition I don't know what is. I was on the old computer since I'm more comfortable with it and it is known for crashing. Thankfully, I didn't lose anything I typed.
Just click on the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WYK6TxWX7s. If that for some reason doesn't work(another opposition) go to www.youtube.com. Type Desert Song Hillsong lyrics in the box at the top and click on the first option of the video.
Yesterday I listened to the passage out of Mark 10:46-52 where a blind man, named Bartimaeus was asking Jesus to have mercy on him. He was brought to Jesus and asked the blind man, "What do you want me to do for you?" My first thought was, "Hello, he's blind. He wants to see!" Jesus already knew he was blind, why did he have to ask that question? The blind man said, "Rabbi, I want to see." Jesus said, "Go, your faith has healed you." Does Jesus still ask us that question today? "What do you want me to do for you?" I believe he does. He wants to know that we have the faith that he will heal us, do what we ask of him.
So this is my challenge to you(and to me). Listen to this song. The words are included. What does your need look like today? Perhaps you are in a "desert" place. By the way, the song is called Desert Song. Maybe you're so far deep in a pit that you feel the flames are consuming you. Whatever your struggle or burden, tell Him. Give it a name. Then surrender it to Him. Declare to Him that He is your victory and you know that He's there in the midst of whatever it is. Tell Satan that no weapon he has formed against you will remain; no dart he hurls at you will stick to you. Maybe everything is great for you right now, but I doubt it since we are still living under the curse, in a fallen world or as a sister put it so well last night-"we're still on this side of heaven. "
Get down on your knees, cry, yell, lift your hands to heaven(that might find some of you in an uncomfortable place) Can you imagine what this could look like? I have 104 Facebook "friends" who may or may not be following this blog. And then about another dozen who are not on Facebook who I've invited to journey with me. That could potentially mean 116 people on their knees, 232 hands lifted high to the Almighty singing praises to Him and declaring that whatever is going on in their lives that He is still God and He is still on His throne. Do you have 4 minutes and 32 seconds for God today? Come on, the Nike slogan says it best - "Just Do It!!"
True story- As I was ready to hit "publish post" my computer crashed. If that is not opposition I don't know what is. I was on the old computer since I'm more comfortable with it and it is known for crashing. Thankfully, I didn't lose anything I typed.
Just click on the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WYK6TxWX7s. If that for some reason doesn't work(another opposition) go to www.youtube.com. Type Desert Song Hillsong lyrics in the box at the top and click on the first option of the video.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Spring Cleaning
Some of you may look at that title and groan. Spring cleaning is not fun. It requires potent cleaners, a scouring pad, some elbow grease and time. Yesterday was not a good day. It was supposed to be. One of my cleaning clients canceled on me so I was looking forward to getting some much needed things done around my house. Instead, I felt very tormented by the Enemy. I started thinking about how when my trip rolls around next month that I want to have all the laundry done(my husband doesn't do laundry, the last thing he put into my washer was his horse blanket! thanks honey for all that horse hair in my sink :-) Will Greg get the kids to school on time, will he remember to pick them up, what if he goes on a horse ride and something "happens", what if, what if, what if. It just didn't end. I knew I would be attacked in regards to leaving my family for 5 days but I didn't think it would happen this soon. I thought maybe the week or days before departing. So yesterday was spent worrying about all the things that could go wrong.
This morning I headed off to my cleaning job. As I started cleaning the kitchen counters, I noticed that there were marks that didn't come off as I cleaned them. The same with the floors and shower walls. It was years of dirt getting adhered to each surface. They were there the last time I cleaned there and the time before that, so why were they so prominent today? So I sprayed the counters with a cleaner and let it "soak" for a little while. I used a brush to try to get the dirt off, and it worked a little but some "stains" still remained. I sprayed the floor as well and let that soak too and the water was filthy until I was done. Then in a quiet, very audible voice, I heard the Lord speak. I am not one to claim to hear Him speak to me very often. Perhaps it's the busyness of the daily routines that block out His voice. What I heard Him say was this-"There is dirt in your life, dirt that has been accumulating over years and years and we (He and I) are going to clean it. The dirt (i.e. the doubts, the fears, the worries) are in need of a deep cleaning. And we are going to start over, start at the beginning, start fresh." He said that we are going back to the beginning starting with one of the fundamentals of the Christian faith, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16) We've heard it over and over again. And I've heard that we sometimes forget about the next verse. "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. "(Obviously John 3:17) As God spoke to me, I realized that it was not a condemning voice, not "You've managed to let this filth accumulate in your life and now I have to clean up this mess!" It was a loving voice, no condemnation.
I believe all the doubts, worries and fears that I've allowed Satan to consume my mind with are all because of lies I've allowed him to let me believe. Years of believing the lies have allowed the "filth" to accumulate. The lies have looked like the truth. Just like when we give the counter a quick wipe down ground in dirt still remains. It looks clean so it must be. We read our 10 minute "Daily Bread" and convince ourselves we've done our "duty" for the day, when in reality we need a good "cleansing". In reality, we need a good power washing.
A friend emailed me this morning and attached a song link. I've heard the song a few times before but watched the video with the lyrics this time and I just let the tears flow because it was so relevant with what happened at this morning's cleaning job. Some of the lyrics..."No weapon formed against me shall remain" ...the weapons of doubt, worry and fear. They are not going to remain, God is going to "clean" them. "This is my prayer in the battle, when triumph is still on it's way"....victory over the "filth" is not here YET, but it's on the way! "All of my life, in every season, YOU ARE STILL GOD, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship." I have forgotten, that no matter what season of life I am living that I ALWAYS have a reason to sing, to worship and to be thankful, even during spring cleaning, the cleaning of my heart. Thank you, Lord, for speaking to my heart today. Would you pray, in agreement, to allow God's Word to "penetrate" like a powerful cleanser and let His truth "soak" into my heart and mind(and yours) so that it doesn't just look clean but that it truly is?
This morning I headed off to my cleaning job. As I started cleaning the kitchen counters, I noticed that there were marks that didn't come off as I cleaned them. The same with the floors and shower walls. It was years of dirt getting adhered to each surface. They were there the last time I cleaned there and the time before that, so why were they so prominent today? So I sprayed the counters with a cleaner and let it "soak" for a little while. I used a brush to try to get the dirt off, and it worked a little but some "stains" still remained. I sprayed the floor as well and let that soak too and the water was filthy until I was done. Then in a quiet, very audible voice, I heard the Lord speak. I am not one to claim to hear Him speak to me very often. Perhaps it's the busyness of the daily routines that block out His voice. What I heard Him say was this-"There is dirt in your life, dirt that has been accumulating over years and years and we (He and I) are going to clean it. The dirt (i.e. the doubts, the fears, the worries) are in need of a deep cleaning. And we are going to start over, start at the beginning, start fresh." He said that we are going back to the beginning starting with one of the fundamentals of the Christian faith, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16) We've heard it over and over again. And I've heard that we sometimes forget about the next verse. "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. "(Obviously John 3:17) As God spoke to me, I realized that it was not a condemning voice, not "You've managed to let this filth accumulate in your life and now I have to clean up this mess!" It was a loving voice, no condemnation.
I believe all the doubts, worries and fears that I've allowed Satan to consume my mind with are all because of lies I've allowed him to let me believe. Years of believing the lies have allowed the "filth" to accumulate. The lies have looked like the truth. Just like when we give the counter a quick wipe down ground in dirt still remains. It looks clean so it must be. We read our 10 minute "Daily Bread" and convince ourselves we've done our "duty" for the day, when in reality we need a good "cleansing". In reality, we need a good power washing.
A friend emailed me this morning and attached a song link. I've heard the song a few times before but watched the video with the lyrics this time and I just let the tears flow because it was so relevant with what happened at this morning's cleaning job. Some of the lyrics..."No weapon formed against me shall remain" ...the weapons of doubt, worry and fear. They are not going to remain, God is going to "clean" them. "This is my prayer in the battle, when triumph is still on it's way"....victory over the "filth" is not here YET, but it's on the way! "All of my life, in every season, YOU ARE STILL GOD, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship." I have forgotten, that no matter what season of life I am living that I ALWAYS have a reason to sing, to worship and to be thankful, even during spring cleaning, the cleaning of my heart. Thank you, Lord, for speaking to my heart today. Would you pray, in agreement, to allow God's Word to "penetrate" like a powerful cleanser and let His truth "soak" into my heart and mind(and yours) so that it doesn't just look clean but that it truly is?
Friday, March 12, 2010
The Shawl
I have just a few close friends and I had one very special friend knit a shawl for me. It's this very pretty shawl with fall colors. I know she spent many hours on it and as much as I hold it dear to my heart, it's the words that she wrote for me when she gave it to me that mean the most.
Wrap this shawl around you
Imagine it's a hug
It's filled with lot of prayers
Sent to God above.
As I knitted each and every row
I said a prayer for you
And as the shawl grew and grew
I added blessings too.
I prayed that God would hold you
In a very special way
As you seek to forget the memories
That plague you everyday.
(I can barely see through the tears as I type this)
May God bless you with His strength
Send to you His peace
As His wisdom and His guidance
You do faithfully seek.
So whenever you feel sad
Or just need a little lift
My love and prayers are in this shawl
And it's for you, a special gift.
I will always keep this shawl and the note that came with it. This friend loved me so much to create this beautiful shawl and add a very special note. I love you Angie!
Wrap this shawl around you
Imagine it's a hug
It's filled with lot of prayers
Sent to God above.
As I knitted each and every row
I said a prayer for you
And as the shawl grew and grew
I added blessings too.
I prayed that God would hold you
In a very special way
As you seek to forget the memories
That plague you everyday.
(I can barely see through the tears as I type this)
May God bless you with His strength
Send to you His peace
As His wisdom and His guidance
You do faithfully seek.
So whenever you feel sad
Or just need a little lift
My love and prayers are in this shawl
And it's for you, a special gift.
I will always keep this shawl and the note that came with it. This friend loved me so much to create this beautiful shawl and add a very special note. I love you Angie!
What is wrong me?
The first month after my brother's death I had lost 10 pounds. I kind of just chalked it up to the grief. It had crossed my mind several times that maybe I was losing weight because there was something physically wrong with me. They say sudden weight loss can be a sign of a problem.
The beginning of December I had gone to my family doctor to discuss anxiety medication. She gave me 2 kinds. One was to take daily to even out certain hormone levels and the other one was if I was feeling anxious I could take it for immediate relief. So one night I started the first one and about 1/2 hour later I felt like something was "caught" in my throat. I thought maybe the pill hadn't gone the whole was down my throat and was stuck. The feeling persisted for weeks and left me feeling very anxious. So anxious that I went back to the doctor. She sent me to a specialist who put a tube down my throat to do some "searching." It was very uncomfortable and gagging. He didn't see anything so he sent me to the hospital several weeks later. (Sorry, mom. I never told you about this. You guessed it- I didn't want to worry my parents). At the hospital, I had to drink this chalky, white solution while they took "live" xrays of my throat, esophagas and stomach to see if they saw anything obstructing. Nothing. Now I truly thought I was crazy. Something certainly felt wrong. This doctor wanted to send me to a gastroenterologist. I had had enough. I'll just live with it. I didn't have time for these appointments or the building medical expenses. I still have this feeling to this day. Some days it's worse than others. I have come to believe that this feeling in my throat is the result of anxiety. Anxiety doesn't just affect us emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It also affects us physically. I've talked to some people who have had that "closed throat" feeling and agree that it's the result of anxiety. Why doesn't the Lord just bring peace to my mind and my heart?
The beginning of December I had gone to my family doctor to discuss anxiety medication. She gave me 2 kinds. One was to take daily to even out certain hormone levels and the other one was if I was feeling anxious I could take it for immediate relief. So one night I started the first one and about 1/2 hour later I felt like something was "caught" in my throat. I thought maybe the pill hadn't gone the whole was down my throat and was stuck. The feeling persisted for weeks and left me feeling very anxious. So anxious that I went back to the doctor. She sent me to a specialist who put a tube down my throat to do some "searching." It was very uncomfortable and gagging. He didn't see anything so he sent me to the hospital several weeks later. (Sorry, mom. I never told you about this. You guessed it- I didn't want to worry my parents). At the hospital, I had to drink this chalky, white solution while they took "live" xrays of my throat, esophagas and stomach to see if they saw anything obstructing. Nothing. Now I truly thought I was crazy. Something certainly felt wrong. This doctor wanted to send me to a gastroenterologist. I had had enough. I'll just live with it. I didn't have time for these appointments or the building medical expenses. I still have this feeling to this day. Some days it's worse than others. I have come to believe that this feeling in my throat is the result of anxiety. Anxiety doesn't just affect us emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It also affects us physically. I've talked to some people who have had that "closed throat" feeling and agree that it's the result of anxiety. Why doesn't the Lord just bring peace to my mind and my heart?
The Need for Anointing
The worry and fear and panic continued and I really felt like I needed to be anointed. If I publicly confessed my struggles and had people praying, perhaps, just perhaps God would heal my spirit. But how do you confess all these things to your church? Christians aren't supposed to fear and worry and be anxious. Confessing my fears made me feel vulnerable.
It was December and my pastor called and said that he was having a special service the end of the year and he was inviting several people from our congregation to share a testimony on God's faithfulness. God, indeed, has been faithful on this grief journey. I told my pastor that I would think about it and let him know. I felt this invitation had opened the door for an anointing. I told my pastor that I would give testimony but also about this need. The end of December I did give testimony and was also anointed. My pastor reminded us all during the service that anointing isn't a "magical potion" that would heal instantly. I'm not sure how he would define anointing, but I would define it as covering one with the Holy Spirit to freely work in a person's life to heal them spiritually, physically or mentally. I felt like weight had been lifted from my shoulders that day. Maybe it was just the confession that "Hey, I'm really struggling here and I need the prayers of my church family." Pray they did!
It was December and my pastor called and said that he was having a special service the end of the year and he was inviting several people from our congregation to share a testimony on God's faithfulness. God, indeed, has been faithful on this grief journey. I told my pastor that I would think about it and let him know. I felt this invitation had opened the door for an anointing. I told my pastor that I would give testimony but also about this need. The end of December I did give testimony and was also anointed. My pastor reminded us all during the service that anointing isn't a "magical potion" that would heal instantly. I'm not sure how he would define anointing, but I would define it as covering one with the Holy Spirit to freely work in a person's life to heal them spiritually, physically or mentally. I felt like weight had been lifted from my shoulders that day. Maybe it was just the confession that "Hey, I'm really struggling here and I need the prayers of my church family." Pray they did!
The Beach
My mom and some aunts and cousins had a weekend trip to the beach planned the first weekend in November that year which I had originally decided not to go on. The week before, one of my aunts encouraged me to go along. I decided that it would be good to get away.
So we headed to the beach and it was wonderful to just be away, away from all the reminders. We all went to the beach one evening and took some of my brother's ashes along. I remember the bitter cold ocean water on my legs(it was November, remember) as I scattered the ashes and I told God how angry I was that this happened. Was I angry at Him? Ashamedly, yes. He did this, He allowed this to happen, He made a huge mistake. By doing this, I dismissed His sovereignty, His authority and His goodness. Thankfully, God is forgiving.
I remember the drive home. It was awful. Trying to hide the tears from mom, I sat and thought that now I'm going back to reality. Back to the grief, the panic, the worry.
It really was a great weekend. I laughed so hard sometimes. It was good to know that I can smile and laugh again. But that came with a guilty feeling too. I love my family so much and we have always been close knit so being with them was very refreshing and very healing.
So we headed to the beach and it was wonderful to just be away, away from all the reminders. We all went to the beach one evening and took some of my brother's ashes along. I remember the bitter cold ocean water on my legs(it was November, remember) as I scattered the ashes and I told God how angry I was that this happened. Was I angry at Him? Ashamedly, yes. He did this, He allowed this to happen, He made a huge mistake. By doing this, I dismissed His sovereignty, His authority and His goodness. Thankfully, God is forgiving.
I remember the drive home. It was awful. Trying to hide the tears from mom, I sat and thought that now I'm going back to reality. Back to the grief, the panic, the worry.
It really was a great weekend. I laughed so hard sometimes. It was good to know that I can smile and laugh again. But that came with a guilty feeling too. I love my family so much and we have always been close knit so being with them was very refreshing and very healing.
Dark Days
I made the decision to return to work the day after my brother's funeral. Mom opted to take the rest of the week off, which made me feel guilty for not being there for her. I didn't want to sit around and cry, although I'm sure that would have been refreshing to just let the tears flow. Besides, what's a few tears mixed in with the bucket of cleaning water? And I did cry (LOTS) while I cleaned.
The days, weeks, and months that followed were very dark. I have a history of panic and depression(I'll discuss in a later post)so, of course, Satan had a "hay day" with that. Not only was I grieving, but I was very anxious, waiting for the next "bad thing" to happen. I anticipated getting that phone call that someone was in an accident or something happened to my children or my husband. Or maybe I was next. Living in worry or fear is no way to live. It's not the way Jesus told us to live. Didn't He say that He came so that we may have life and have it abundantly? Not fear abundantly or worry abundantly or panic abundantly, but LIFE abundantly.
I have a dear friend who loved me enough to question me...."Jenn, do you ever feel like you can't go on? Like you would want to end your life? " The answer was no. However, the other part was "I don't want to go on like this" and "I don't want to live like this." So it's not that I didn't want to live anymore, it was that I didn't want to live in the current state that I was in. But the enemy was working hard. So press on I did.
The days, weeks, and months that followed were very dark. I have a history of panic and depression(I'll discuss in a later post)so, of course, Satan had a "hay day" with that. Not only was I grieving, but I was very anxious, waiting for the next "bad thing" to happen. I anticipated getting that phone call that someone was in an accident or something happened to my children or my husband. Or maybe I was next. Living in worry or fear is no way to live. It's not the way Jesus told us to live. Didn't He say that He came so that we may have life and have it abundantly? Not fear abundantly or worry abundantly or panic abundantly, but LIFE abundantly.
I have a dear friend who loved me enough to question me...."Jenn, do you ever feel like you can't go on? Like you would want to end your life? " The answer was no. However, the other part was "I don't want to go on like this" and "I don't want to live like this." So it's not that I didn't want to live anymore, it was that I didn't want to live in the current state that I was in. But the enemy was working hard. So press on I did.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Not me and not now, Lord!
Most of you know that I clean for a living and my cleaning time allows me to think and pray. Thinking can also be my downfall. About 6 months before my brother died, I began to have visions of me speaking to a crowd of people about my faith. These visions only occurred at my Friday morning cleaning job. Oddly enough, this would have the cleaning job that I had just finished up with and then went to find my brother.
I would always try to think of something else when I got these visions because I hated the thought of speaking, especially about my faith. I believed my faith wasn't strong enough. Little did I know what the Lord was preparing me for. When the time came to discuss funeral plans, I was reminded of these visions. The Lord kept saying this was the time He was preparing me for through those visions. Thus my title of this post- Not me and not now, Lord! Why would You ask me to do this in my darkest hour? Isn't it bad enough that I witnessed the most horrific thing in my life and now You want me to witness for You? As I wrestled with all this, I finally came to the conclusion that if He was asking me to do this, then He would give me the grace to stand and not falter.
For those of you who were not at the funeral, I did get up and speak. But it wasn't a eulogy where I talked about all the great things about my brother or memories of him or the things I would miss. It was a "speech" about chains. I placed heavy chains around my neck and labeled some of the chains in my life such as sin, depression, fear of death and shame. I also shared what the Lord had to say in response to each of my "chains." There was also a lock on the chains to represent that Satan loves when we have chains. But the best part is that I also had a key to unlock the chains. The "key" represents Christ, for He is the one who sets us free from our chains. Then I took the chains off and placed them at the foot of the cross. Thus explaining that when we lay our chains at the foot of the cross, we find freedom.
I still look back at that day and stand amazed that I was able to do this, for I know it was Jesus himself who was holding me up, securing my knees from buckling, giving me unwavering speech. It was afterward that I cried. I may never know whose heart was touched that day, but I do believe that someone's heart was touched or I wouldn't have been asked to do it. All I know is that I obeyed the call and have no regrets for doing so.
I would always try to think of something else when I got these visions because I hated the thought of speaking, especially about my faith. I believed my faith wasn't strong enough. Little did I know what the Lord was preparing me for. When the time came to discuss funeral plans, I was reminded of these visions. The Lord kept saying this was the time He was preparing me for through those visions. Thus my title of this post- Not me and not now, Lord! Why would You ask me to do this in my darkest hour? Isn't it bad enough that I witnessed the most horrific thing in my life and now You want me to witness for You? As I wrestled with all this, I finally came to the conclusion that if He was asking me to do this, then He would give me the grace to stand and not falter.
For those of you who were not at the funeral, I did get up and speak. But it wasn't a eulogy where I talked about all the great things about my brother or memories of him or the things I would miss. It was a "speech" about chains. I placed heavy chains around my neck and labeled some of the chains in my life such as sin, depression, fear of death and shame. I also shared what the Lord had to say in response to each of my "chains." There was also a lock on the chains to represent that Satan loves when we have chains. But the best part is that I also had a key to unlock the chains. The "key" represents Christ, for He is the one who sets us free from our chains. Then I took the chains off and placed them at the foot of the cross. Thus explaining that when we lay our chains at the foot of the cross, we find freedom.
I still look back at that day and stand amazed that I was able to do this, for I know it was Jesus himself who was holding me up, securing my knees from buckling, giving me unwavering speech. It was afterward that I cried. I may never know whose heart was touched that day, but I do believe that someone's heart was touched or I wouldn't have been asked to do it. All I know is that I obeyed the call and have no regrets for doing so.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Say it isn't so
In the days following my brother's death, I was clinging to the hope that the funeral director could work a miracle and "fix" my brother so that we could say goodbye and that the images I was left with the day I found him would at least be replaced by someone that resembled my brother better. At that point, I felt the Lord "owed" it to me and to my mother, especially. The Monday after his death, I received a call from my father saying that the funeral director was not able to make it possible for a viewing at all. My already aching heart felt like it was torn in pieces all over again. So now I was facing the fact that what I saw the day I found him would be the way I would remember him forever. He was already gone 24-36 hours when I found him and the funeral director couldn't even begin to work on him until 3 more days after that. It was just too much time. My miracle would never come. The images I was wishing I could forget seemed to haunt me for the next few months. I couldn't concentrate on anything else. It was constantly on my mind. However, the Lord knew how much my days were consumed with these images and protected my mind while I slept for I never had nightmares or even good dreams about him. I didn't have my first dream about my brother at all until over a year after his death. And then it was a dream I wished I didn't wake up from for it was a glimpse of him again after so much time.
Monday, February 22, 2010
My Story
So what is "my story"? Well, for those of you who know me well, you already know the story, but you may not know my deep struggles. Sorry if some of this is a repeat. On Oct. 10, 2008 my mom called me to see if I had talked to my brother that week. When I said that I hadn't she said she would go check on him over her lunch break. We hung up and something(which I firmly believe was the Holy Spirit) prompted me to call her back and tell her that I would go check on him. I wasn't sure where I was going since Brent was housesitting for some friends. I eventually found the right house. When no one answered the door, I went around back to find a sliding glass door. I opened the door to discover that it was blocked by a golf club. I could see Brent laying on the sofa. The door was open just a few inches. I called his name and yelled his name. I looked at his arms and could see these marks that resembled black and blue marks. I couldn't imagine what he had done to himself. My heart is racing as I replay this in my mind and tears are filling my eyes. I later learned that these "marks" are termed levidity. It's what happens to the body after it dies and the blood stops flowing and settles. At any rate, this is when panic started to set in with his unresponse and so I called 911. It was while I was on the phone with them that I just took the back door and ripped it open. I later learned that I broke the golf club. I rushed to his side to discover that he was gone. It still amazes me that I did not collapse or pass out or literally have a heart attack from what I found. The 911 operator questioned me how I knew he was dead. As if what I saw wasn't confirmation enough, I reached out my hand to touch his cold body. Shock had taken over. Police arrived and questioned me. I urged them to have someone get to my mom's work since I couldn't possibly tell her this news on the phone. Before I knew it, my mom pulled up. I will never forget the first thing out of her mouth to the police officer - "Is he dead?" Upon hearing the answer, yes, she fell to the ground and wailed. I rushed to her side. She apologized that I found him. I am so thankful that it was not her who found him. God protected my mother's heart that day. He, unfortunately, left me with images that I will never forget and that seem to "haunt" me.
I replay the events of that day, although not as often as I once did. In the beginning I questioned God where He was in the midst of all of this. Now when I replay everything in my mind, I see angels above the living room where I found my brother and know exactly where He was. He was there the whole time, upholding me with His righteous right hand.
I replay the events of that day, although not as often as I once did. In the beginning I questioned God where He was in the midst of all of this. Now when I replay everything in my mind, I see angels above the living room where I found my brother and know exactly where He was. He was there the whole time, upholding me with His righteous right hand.
Colorado Bound
I thought a blog would be a great way to share about my upcoming trip to Crooked Creek Ranch in Colorado in April. Two months from today I will step way out of my comfort zone by boarding a plane, alone, and traveling to a place where I don't know a soul in an effort to renew my heart and replenish what feels like my spiritually depleted soul.
Last year Greg introduced me to Daily Audio Bible, which is downloadable scripture onto my ipod. It is an awesome avenue for listening to God's Word while I am busy cleaning. It has truly been a blessing and it's great to heart the needs of God's people and pray for them. Last October DAB announced their participation with the first ever "Captivating" retreat for women to be held in Colorado this April. DAB was given 10 spots for this conference. This is a "lottery entrance only" conference so I emailed them and told them my story and my struggle revolving around my brother's death and my interest in the conference. There is a pricey fee for entrance and flights, etc. but I felt like I needed to get away and really focus on the Lord. I felt like if I was chosen then it was God's will and therefore, He would supply the funds. After not hearing for about 2 months on whether I was chosen or not, I kind of gave up hope. I emailed them and was surprised, happy and anxious all at the same time to learn that I was chosen to participate in this event.
God has definitely confirmed this trip for me. At Christmastime I was blessed with monetary gifts from cleaning clients as well as a gift from my in-laws that Greg gave me for my trip. I also had one time cleaning jobs and extra days at the Pancake Farm and I am so happy to say that my trip, itself, is paid for. God has provided and for that I am so grateful.
Last year Greg introduced me to Daily Audio Bible, which is downloadable scripture onto my ipod. It is an awesome avenue for listening to God's Word while I am busy cleaning. It has truly been a blessing and it's great to heart the needs of God's people and pray for them. Last October DAB announced their participation with the first ever "Captivating" retreat for women to be held in Colorado this April. DAB was given 10 spots for this conference. This is a "lottery entrance only" conference so I emailed them and told them my story and my struggle revolving around my brother's death and my interest in the conference. There is a pricey fee for entrance and flights, etc. but I felt like I needed to get away and really focus on the Lord. I felt like if I was chosen then it was God's will and therefore, He would supply the funds. After not hearing for about 2 months on whether I was chosen or not, I kind of gave up hope. I emailed them and was surprised, happy and anxious all at the same time to learn that I was chosen to participate in this event.
God has definitely confirmed this trip for me. At Christmastime I was blessed with monetary gifts from cleaning clients as well as a gift from my in-laws that Greg gave me for my trip. I also had one time cleaning jobs and extra days at the Pancake Farm and I am so happy to say that my trip, itself, is paid for. God has provided and for that I am so grateful.
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