Say it isn't so

In the days following my brother's death, I was clinging to the hope that the funeral director could work a miracle and "fix" my brother so that we could say goodbye and that the images I was left with the day I found him would at least be replaced by someone that resembled my brother better. At that point, I felt the Lord "owed" it to me and to my mother, especially. The Monday after his death, I received a call from my father saying that the funeral director was not able to make it possible for a viewing at all. My already aching heart felt like it was torn in pieces all over again. So now I was facing the fact that what I saw the day I found him would be the way I would remember him forever. He was already gone 24-36 hours when I found him and the funeral director couldn't even begin to work on him until 3 more days after that. It was just too much time. My miracle would never come. The images I was wishing I could forget seemed to haunt me for the next few months. I couldn't concentrate on anything else. It was constantly on my mind. However, the Lord knew how much my days were consumed with these images and protected my mind while I slept for I never had nightmares or even good dreams about him. I didn't have my first dream about my brother at all until over a year after his death. And then it was a dream I wished I didn't wake up from for it was a glimpse of him again after so much time.

My Story

So what is "my story"? Well, for those of you who know me well, you already know the story, but you may not know my deep struggles. Sorry if some of this is a repeat. On Oct. 10, 2008 my mom called me to see if I had talked to my brother that week. When I said that I hadn't she said she would go check on him over her lunch break. We hung up and something(which I firmly believe was the Holy Spirit) prompted me to call her back and tell her that I would go check on him. I wasn't sure where I was going since Brent was housesitting for some friends. I eventually found the right house. When no one answered the door, I went around back to find a sliding glass door. I opened the door to discover that it was blocked by a golf club. I could see Brent laying on the sofa. The door was open just a few inches. I called his name and yelled his name. I looked at his arms and could see these marks that resembled black and blue marks. I couldn't imagine what he had done to himself. My heart is racing as I replay this in my mind and tears are filling my eyes. I later learned that these "marks" are termed levidity. It's what happens to the body after it dies and the blood stops flowing and settles. At any rate, this is when panic started to set in with his unresponse and so I called 911. It was while I was on the phone with them that I just took the back door and ripped it open. I later learned that I broke the golf club. I rushed to his side to discover that he was gone. It still amazes me that I did not collapse or pass out or literally have a heart attack from what I found. The 911 operator questioned me how I knew he was dead. As if what I saw wasn't confirmation enough, I reached out my hand to touch his cold body. Shock had taken over. Police arrived and questioned me. I urged them to have someone get to my mom's work since I couldn't possibly tell her this news on the phone. Before I knew it, my mom pulled up. I will never forget the first thing out of her mouth to the police officer - "Is he dead?" Upon hearing the answer, yes, she fell to the ground and wailed. I rushed to her side. She apologized that I found him. I am so thankful that it was not her who found him. God protected my mother's heart that day. He, unfortunately, left me with images that I will never forget and that seem to "haunt" me.
I replay the events of that day, although not as often as I once did. In the beginning I questioned God where He was in the midst of all of this. Now when I replay everything in my mind, I see angels above the living room where I found my brother and know exactly where He was. He was there the whole time, upholding me with His righteous right hand.

Colorado Bound

I thought a blog would be a great way to share about my upcoming trip to Crooked Creek Ranch in Colorado in April. Two months from today I will step way out of my comfort zone by boarding a plane, alone, and traveling to a place where I don't know a soul in an effort to renew my heart and replenish what feels like my spiritually depleted soul.
Last year Greg introduced me to Daily Audio Bible, which is downloadable scripture onto my ipod. It is an awesome avenue for listening to God's Word while I am busy cleaning. It has truly been a blessing and it's great to heart the needs of God's people and pray for them. Last October DAB announced their participation with the first ever "Captivating" retreat for women to be held in Colorado this April. DAB was given 10 spots for this conference. This is a "lottery entrance only" conference so I emailed them and told them my story and my struggle revolving around my brother's death and my interest in the conference. There is a pricey fee for entrance and flights, etc. but I felt like I needed to get away and really focus on the Lord. I felt like if I was chosen then it was God's will and therefore, He would supply the funds. After not hearing for about 2 months on whether I was chosen or not, I kind of gave up hope. I emailed them and was surprised, happy and anxious all at the same time to learn that I was chosen to participate in this event.
God has definitely confirmed this trip for me. At Christmastime I was blessed with monetary gifts from cleaning clients as well as a gift from my in-laws that Greg gave me for my trip. I also had one time cleaning jobs and extra days at the Pancake Farm and I am so happy to say that my trip, itself, is paid for. God has provided and for that I am so grateful.